Headaches and falling down.

I'm so sore. I sound like a 90 year old trying to get up a hill. I fell AGAIN today off the skateboard. But no worries! I'm OK. Somehow I got scratches in places that shouldn't have scratches. My dress stayed correct this time too. But overall, I'm good. Just sore. (Dramatic sigh) I'm sure my body hates me, but, what can I do? I just keep moving forward.

My classes are so interesting and fun! I'm super excited, and I hope I do well this semester. I thought I could blog but my head says no. I don't feel dehydrated, maybe just exhausted from so many falls. Maybe one day I'll be able to fall less? Or the pine cone bits will be moved from the path. Those things also hurt to walk on, just to note.

Let's get through tomorrow.

Embarrassment?

So yesterday I walked out of the sliding glass doors and attempted to get on my skateboard. The ham tiles failed me again. Not even 3 seconds later the board hits a loose tile and stops, and I fly off. Of course, I was wearing the "bad luck" dress. Which I need to remember not to do when skateboarding. So the dress flies up and for about 3 seconds I was pretty exposed. Thankfully not many people were around. But I fell right in front of this poor first year boy, who, probably saw a lot of me. I was able to roll and pull the dress back down in those 3 seconds, but my elbow scraped up a bit. The first year, who is my resident, comes over and asks if I'm alright and I'm trying to reassure him I'm ok and I apologize to him a lot and laugh it off. Now, skateboarding in dresses is risky. And I do it still. So it comes with the territory that some guy would see a lot if I was being dumb and fell. 

I wasn't embarrassed, and I guess it's one of the good things about NCF that other people are so much more open than I am, it's not a taboo thing to see others more exposed. But I did feel bad. So now, I don't actually know what makes me embarrassed. I can actually think of one thing.... My mother meeting whoever I date long term. (Cringes.)

Falling means nothing to me anymore. It happens. But I've adopted the "it's ok embarrassing things happen people forget," mentality. It's pretty nice. Because I know most people worry too much about their own mistakes that in a year, most of it disappears. 

Conflicted and KYC

Conflicted

What am I supposed  to do with my life? The question keeps drawing nearer and nearer as I approach potential thesis time. Potentially there are many different options for me. I want to do so much. I think that because thesis time is coming so fast, I must plan for the next several years. (Though I can barely make plans for the concert two weeks from now.)

(Noms on meringue coconut cookie in public policy class.)

Time to unpack an article. I think as an adult, you need statistics more than any other class. I projected that I would take it next year. But who knows now.

On KYC 2015...

I was asked by a friend last night if I preferred cheek kissing to actual making out. And the morning after (I'm still in bed at 4 PM) I realized... 

It's not that I'm afraid to ask. I asked a couple people to kiss on the lips. But I am very afraid of rejection. The people I kissed on the lips were people I knew would say yes for one reason or another. Everyone else I kissed on the cheek because, well, I was afraid.

(Side note) girls I usually kiss on the cheek, I mean, it's just a thing. Maybe part of it is a rejection thing too. But now that I'm older I don't even kiss my parents on the cheek often.

I guess I just want to save kissing for specific people. I dunno.

So a thank you to my friend who asked me a good question, helping me figure things out. And it's not to say that the guys I kissed on the lips I don't have a "thing" for. I just knew they would say yes to making out, if that makes any sense at all.

PROCRASTINATION

So it's been... a little over a month since I got back to the states. And I have not finished my work for the coral reef class. NOW I know what you must be thinking. "how are you not expelled yet?" That's a great question. Well... 

New college is great because when you get lazy, you don't worry. Now I'm still working on the projects, even though I technically passed... but it's a slow process. And I'm procrastinating right now by writing this update. Sigh. But the best part is that I'm going to start more classes tomorrow... and turn stuff in tomorrow that is clearly not done. BUT I WILL SURVIVE. And I will be happy and free to start a new year without any baggage from the summer.

SIGH.

I really should get to work.

This year I'm going to take a writing course that will hopefully make me improve my writing and fix my awful-ness as seen in all of my evaluations. My writing strength is in making things up. My school strength is learning everything about everything, and being able to talk about it. Not even memorization, but just being able to take things from classes I've taken years ago and pull that information into real life arguments and situations.

Two nights ago I was able to help a friend calm down by reading a book. Now, I don't think I learned that skill in school. I don't think I learned how to be good with kids in school. But now that I'm older there are things I do need to learn. One of them being; how to be a good writer so that I can finish college and grad school.

SIGH.

To think my mom wants me to graduate my 3rd year of college. 

The little fuzzies

Those feelings you get after reading something so sweet. You wish it could happen to you. Laying in bed imagining these perfect moments that you or someone else has dreamt up and typed out. Ah. It makes me happy. 

There are moments I am so desperately waiting for. Like holding someone's hand, or, laughing late at night, or trying to lay together on a bed without giggling and knocking each other off. Dreaming about being with someone who makes me laugh and smile more than I already do. I can sit doing work at my desk, meet their gaze in the other corner of the room and grin like an idiot and hear their laugh. These moments balanced out with falling asleep telling stories or reading poems or listening to music. Talks about the universe and how we would run the world if we could. Asking questions back and forth while staring at the ceiling on different ends of the bed. Being able to be separate people, who might miss each other, but are able to be themselves at the end of the day. Late night calls or texts just saying something sweet.

Someday I'll be able to close my eyes and listen to someone's heartbeat, trying to time it with mine. I'll get to point out things I love and admire, without worrying how dorky they might sound. Flipping back and forth from cute to serious each sentence. Taking walks through the park and pointing out all of the birds. I'm waiting for the person who I can make laugh and smile all the time, just by being myself. Completely myself. No holding back. The worries of being rejected lost over years of being together. Still not forgotten, but pushed back further and further from my mind. 

I'm exhausted still. I have work to accomplish. Things I need to do. (Finishing my Honduras class....) but I'll get it all done. I'm not worried. There are bigger things beyond this.

Falling asleep staring at the lights...

There's something so comforting that comes from looking at the fairy lights when it's late at night. The softness is romantic, but in the way a hug feels from someone warm who loves you. Trying to explain how I feel right now, isn't perfect. There are feelings that seem to well up. Nostalgia from when I was little and we had these things up on the back deck, eating dinner together as a family outside which I didn't always enjoy, but now I'm trying hard not to forget. And I miss it so much.

But then there are different feelings. Ones of loneliness and quiet melancholy that remind me how there's no one around. I have no desire to reach out to anyone and fumble with these explanations of how lights make me feel. Yet I'm here longing for someone to wrap their arms around me, lay beside me, and understand everything I can't say. Because I don't want to speak. I worry my words would wreck any chance I had at explaining close to how it is.

The tears roll slowly down one by one to my pillow, absorbed into the embrace of the sheets. There's so much I want to say. Feelings and memories and regrets and wishes crashing one after the other upon my heart. 

I'm an adult. (Proceeds to pour dry cereal from bag into mouth)

And (chews loudly) I make reasonable decisions. But when I'm tired... I make less good decisions... And grammar.

So I wanted to discuss the difference between 17-18 and 19-20, aging, etc. I think developmentally I have grown a lot since then. I made really dumb decisions back then, some that I continue to make, but my issue is choosing for myself. For other people, I can make snap and rational choices. For me.... Ehhh... But I've somehow grown into myself a bit more than when I was 18. I'm more certain about some things, and less about others. I've enhanced my empathy switch, and know when to and when not to intervene on certain situations. 

Today we had our behind closed doors training, and I was able to handle one situation very well, but the other I freezed up a little bit on. The one I did well at was involving two people who took drugs and they didn't know what type, so I calmly told them I was going to call EMS to make sure they are alright after being called in by Jenny.

The second one I did alone, and it involved a hate crime. There are certainly things I would have liked to have done differently, like remembering to bring up the information report. But overall I was able to calm the situation down. I don't think that type of situation comes up as often as the former, but it was still important to remember. Going into it I just forgot the "clearly defined" protocol. It took me a while to find my footing in that role as a parent more than an RA and as a friend. Because it was difficult coming into it knowing the actress well enough to have emotions struck in me. And knowing I was alone was difficult. But now I know how to adjust to situations like that. I hope next time something arises like that I'll be able to handle it.

When you feel like you messed it all up

(Eats pretzels) so today and the past couple days I've had instances where I feel like I made mistakes with other people. In our RA meetings I just feel so judged by ___. And ____ is my friend. But I feel some sort of friction between us, and a lot of other people on staff. I don't like being the type of person to try and wedge into other people's things, but I sincerely feel like I'm wedging, sort of involuntarily. There's this feeling that ____ is talking badly about me, and I can tell possibly what's being said. Though it's all valid, I can feel it. Maybe I'm going crazy, but usually my instincts are correct. As people, we sincerely want to be liked by others. I'm no different. And I guess my social anxiety gives me a heightened sense of 1, knowing wanting to be liked and 2, knowing when I'm failing at trying to be liked. There are difficult times when I know I'm trying and nothing works, that I can feel. And it bothers me when I'm disliked, I understand that. I dwell on interactions from years ago that I wish I could have done differently. There are things I say that get a reaction that I wish I could take back.

That feeling of being left out, and that feeling of loneliness is often what drives me to be more distant from people. I would rather be lonely than be constantly rejected in some form or another even if it's just because of one word I said wrong. 

It takes me back to a time in 4th grade where I just kept making mistakes, and tried to play them off. And I feel embarrassed for myself then, and myself now. Reverting to this feeling is stressful, and part of me wishes I had become more adult in my high school and college career.

Being dependent on others approval is a process to reverse. But I'm working on it.

(Back to snacks, featuring cheezeits)

Brave by Action Item 

Time and distance.

Today we had an activity where we had a mock 30 second encounter with someone in an elevator who happened to be the person you're going into a job interview with.

I still didn't know my job, so I made it up. I said I'd work in foster care dealing with children and that being an RA would help me be prepared for working with kids.

In real life, I wouldn't refer to the job for reference or anything in an elevator. I'd make very polite small talk. Because knowing I would go into an interview with them gives me the upper hand. I can make an intensely polite impression and set work aside. Because I think it's important to not only be a good person at work, but also in a public normal setting. I know landing a job is important and you should throw out as much as you can, but i feel that real life is important too, and being amazing at a job will only get you so far. I've met people who are incredible at their jobs, and then at home are completely different people. I want to balance public and private. I want people to know what they get is what they get. Nothing fake for an interview, nothing I would never say to someone in real life over email. I want to be the same person in the elevator and in the workplace. I'm not one who will surprise bosses after I'm hired and turn into a jerk in the elevator.

My relationships I try to keep in a similar fashion. The mannerisms I project with people are, while different for each person, are all real and there. There is no tricking or becoming a jerk after a year. And with someone I like I want to be as real as possible. I'll be silly and serious all at the same time. No surprises. Because I would want my partner to be the same. I don't want someone to change how they act to me after a month. 

And I know I have my varying levels of dishonesty with all relationships, but just based on how I act, it's consistent at home and professionally as much as it can be. I want to be real no matter what. And if someone doesn't like me, then it's because I was being myself and not someone else. It often concerns me that someone could only love the mask I wear. So I try and have it be as transparent as possible, so they can see most just not all.

NCF takes Camp 

Wrap up

I had a lot of fun at warren Willis camp! There were so many jokes that were made, stories told, and bonds made. Even though it was roughly only 2 days, the two nights involved the majority of the bonding. I loved the rope course; working together to solve problems. We did have some run ins where it was RA v Prostaff, but we worked through the communication disputes. I think my favorite parts were definitely the ones where it was just all of the RAs in the big connected room talking and laughing. Last night we had a round of "sit and talk" where we not only Chelsea told ghost stories but we also played camp games like "my back is playing" and "groups." There was so much loud laughter.

Around 10:30 last night we all piled some empty mattresses in the common area and played never have I ever. Those times I'll remember over the mentally intense diversity training. But there was the fun ropes course plus trust fall and climbing through windows and getting from one bridge to the other and rope swing.

Not to mention last night trying not to die because Sean was on the top bunk above me creaking, and Tessa cracking up from the room over.

I feel so lucky to get these opportunities and that I get to bond with these awesome individuals who all have different stories and experiences and strengths they bring to the table. We mesh really well together and I'm confident that I can rely on them to help me. 

Diet soda society- the Maine 

Song of the post.

Writing this one in the van heading to a Methodist retreat camp... (Shrugs) I slept for about 20 minutes off and on so I'm semi awake. I'm sure there's more I want to touch on, but it can wait.

The room (me myself and i with 3 beds in room 215) is all set up, nice and cold. Too bad I had to leave so soon. But now I'm on another adventure with 24 other people plus 4 directors of things. 

Not having to drive gives me a bit of a break from wanting to lay down. I still haven't finished my work..... It will get done.

I get to think in the van about my recent mistake, which, I've been trying to ignore. But it creeps up in my mind and captures my attention during times like these. How could I be so silly to like another guy? Again? Sigh. I mean, I was cautious from the beginning of this whole second ordeal. I'm no stranger to the fallout. But something I guess made me wish it could work. I've hopefully learned my lesson now about military guys. 

more than anything I regret my thinking we had a chance of that this wasn't going to be the outcome. And no matter how many times I do it, I still fall for the same mistake.

I don't want it to be true that I messed up again, but it's something I'm working on coming to terms with, and it might take another 6 months to get over completely. I still revisit my experiences from 2 years ago often. There's nothing I'd rather do than think of something else, but I can't. Sometimes things haunt your thoughts just because of how fresh they are.

But, the bright side on this rainy day, is that I'm getting closer and closer to finding what qualities I do want my future boyfriend/thing to have. It helps me grow. And also learn, next time I should keep information to myself. It never works out when I tell someone.

Now, off to dinner and s'mores? Potentially? (And the light of our lord and savior...) with more thoughts about things I get to learn from.

Anxiety and heartbreak... Again

Don't worry, I'm not dead. In fact, it's a new start for me. So, due to my high stress and anxiety, I don't think the guy and I are going to work out. Which is alright! One less to look at in the grand scheme of life. 

Anxiety sometimes get the best of me... I worry too much. It's a bit of social anxiety. I want people to like me, i constantly worry about what others are thinking, I have to make sure everyone's happy, etc.

The boy anxiety, is more of me being insecure. Which also happens. I'll find someone down the road with qualities I enjoy. Hell, I've done it a few times before. Eventually I'll get it right. For now, I'm ok being me.

The car ride was filled with me trying to raise my eyebrow and listening to music and ignoring life talks. Financial things, adult things, etc that I just can't deal with right now. I'll get to them. I had nerves about today, first day as an RA in training. I have my own room with a double balcony in a perfect location. I love where I'm at. I set up my room all nice with my big chair that I bought. Everything is all clean. I hope I'm ready for the retreat tomorrow. It involves climbing and things. Scary.

Bright and early.... Another morning. But I hope I get to sleep in the van. 2 hours is a long way.

BACK TO SCHOOL already... Jeez.

So I'm procrastinating finishing my work... Big surprise.

Tomorrow at 8AM I'm headed back to Sarasota for meetings and move in and RA things!! Wow. My summer disappeared. I'm so glad I got to have so many wonderful experiences.

Kim and I hung out yesterday and last night. I don't know when I'm coming back here. It might be almost a year. (Shh I didn't tell her that.) I'm going to miss it here, but I know that I'm needed somewhere else. I'm trying to de-bug my computer again at the moment... Preparation.

I'm a little nervous.

I haven't been to HAM (last place of work) since the "incident" so I'm worried about that. But I hope it turns out fine. Though I'd be ok avoiding HAM entirely for the next 2 years... 

Stress is coming. As of right now I'm just pushing along. But I'm still worried. (I know I've said that twice.)

Homework. Right. Coming.

This summer was not as bad as I was worried it was going to be home-wise, thankfully. I almost broke a door, but other than that it was pretty good.

I'm almost done with the teen years. Jeez. Add that to the things piling in the back of my mind. With medicines and doctors appointments I need to make and dentist things. It's a big pile.

But the car's packed with round 1, and I can still skateboard.

Cheers to a hard year ahead.