So I went with my roommate to a club, to people watch and keep an eye on him. There was so much alcohol. There were so many cigarettes. Everyone looked the same. 

I leaned on some sort of ledge and watched most of the time.

I remembered those times in middle and high school, where we would go all sit in the auditorium and someone would come tell us, "beer tastes bad, people drink to have confidence," and it's true. I didn't drink, so hanging out in a bar for me meant I could watch people be ridiculous and no one would notice me. After 10 minutes there I got out my headphones and blasted some music I much preferred. 

I'm not one to go out.

I looked at what people were wearing. Now, as a feminist, girls can wear whatever they wanted, but, I believe that clothes should not be worn to impress anyone. And dancing is fine, but do it for fun, don't do it to impress some guy. But hey, what do I know, I went home alone.

My drunk roommate also beat me awfully at darts, which I was not very happy about. We explored the club, I watched him and a lot of other people try to dance, alcohol in hand. 

Someone actually came up to me, his name was Max. He talked to me a bit, he didn't go to FSU but he was in the military stationed not too far from here. We watched his friend try to pick up a girl, and talked about skateboarding along with his ex who was from FSU who trampled on his heart. He also introduced me to his third friend. They both said I was *explicit* cool. The third friend said he knew I was too cool when he walked in and I had my headphones in.

Don't worry, I didn't get Max's number. (Kinda wish I did, he seemed really really sweet and was very handsome.) 

I didn't go home with anyone, no worries. And I even think I would enjoy going back, because for some reason the people "brave" enough to talk to me are actually cool people, unlike me who's more of a hypocrite. 

It was an interesting experience, and I'm glad I had it.

Poem from April 1st, 2014

I drive past men in dress shirts looking good,

Women who feel like they should,

And then there's me

In this ridiculous metal machine, as silly as it seems. 

This is how I get there, get by. Not hearing the birds sing in the morning sky.

Not noticing the time passing

Or the waves crashing

Or the little things that grace each morning that are real.

And I, like all others have come to no longer be able to feel

Sense, touch, taste

The true world in our haste to go from place to place.

Maybe that's what's so awfully wrong

That we've grown accustomed to a new song

With turning gears and motors and hums

Different to the melody the spider strums

On her silver web artfully designed

Without instructions or direction,

 just crafted with instant perfection.

Olivia's Soap Box

Let me tell you the tale of why so many young people, in my personal opinion, are not very active in politics. This will also explain why you'll rarely see young people giving comments during committee meetings, or advocating for stances on important issues.

We have grown up with hearing about how frustrated our parents are with the government. We went through the 2008 recession and felt the effects linger throughout middle school on to high school graduation, and even continuing when we finished college. Like our parents and grandparents, we too have given up on our government. The majority of school studies focus on math and science, which results in young adults who have no idea about the process through which the education and appropriations bills went that cut funding for the arts and sciences.

I believe, that because we have so little faith in the government, we have given up. No matter what is said, no matter who publicly comments in committee meetings, regular people are not listened to because we are not the ones funding campaigns. (That's what it's all about.) If we wanted the government to spend money to protect our water or our state parks we would have to have money and time to wait for just the state government to get a law put into place. 

We cannot wait, and yes, we are impatient, but because our lives and the lives of the next generation depend on it. We are used to being able to get information in 2 minutes. We rally, we participate in fundraisers for causes we believe in, we try to be happy in a world that wants us to drown in reality and create cynics out of all of us because if our parents and grandparents aren't happy why should we be? 

The majority of people in positions of governmental power right now won't survive to see the effects of taking away the arts, draining aquifers below sustainable levels, plastic buildup in the ocean, logging, land development, coal burning, fossil fuel consumption, a media consumed by propaganda, pollution dumping into the water system, and a money-consumed government. And the knowledge that no matter what we as young adults say to our government, it will not convince someone that children of the present and future should be safe and fed and educated, upsets me to no end. Our stories won't get senators and representatives to vote in favor of bills that would impact the lives of ordinary people because they've not received money from those ordinary enough to work 40-50 hours a week. That is terrifying and frustrating, especially to people my age who want to help others and ensure the safety of our future children. Partly, because we don't have time to waste, and we know it. 

I want my children to be able to see coral reefs, and go to clean beaches, and be able to go to school and learn about the world. I don't want my children to live in a world they have little chance of thriving in. 

Yes, one person can make a difference, but a governmental system buried under layers of money compounded over years cannot be dug free by only one. Changing the mind of one representative or senator doesn't happen often, let alone in enough time to have the minority overcome the majority when it comes issues like fracking or plastic bottles. It takes years. I've heard stories of how bills that protect children, protect our water sources, protect our forests, and protect our springs have taken over a decade to be put into law. 

We cannot wait years. Half of the House and the Senate members will be dead by then. I will most likely have children. Our air will be as polluted as China's is right now, and our water as polluted as India's, my children won't be able to go outside to draw with chalk. All because I do not have the money or the voice to change the world on my own, or gather enough people. I cannot take money out of the government across 50 states single-handedly. 

In my opinion, most of the people my age are extremely passionate when it comes issues they care about, but are so disillusioned because the media along with everyone around us says we should grow up. I've been told that I'm not pretty because I'm not a model, that my entire generation is lazy, that we are unappreciative of what we have, that we have no idea what we are talking about, and that we know nothing compared to those older than we are. But we still try, and hold on to the hope that we can change the world because that's often all we have left. 

The Unpaid Intern

"People tried to fit what they were seeing to what they were believing." "They'll look at existing data and try to put it in their own model."

I went to my internship and toured the entire Capitol, which David frequently referred to as the "cook's tour". I met several people from all different areas who worked for different representatives. One of the things he emphasized to me was that "you catch more flies with honey," especially in a place like the Capitol, as he smiled and knew the names of most of the people we passed by along the way. It took me a while to absorb all of the information which spanned across about 4 buildings and 22 floors. We went through the Senate and the House of Representatives, saw where the governor meets with the board of governors, and passed by several important offices. I often got mixed up for a moment, but managed to somehow figure a rough layout in my head Of where everything is. 

After the tour we sat in the cafeteria on the lower level and David showed me the bill he was working on, what steps he was going through, and he explained the importance of going line by line to try and dissect each part. One of the most important things from his explanation was that you have to fully understand each word and if you don't get it, you can't see all of the possible outcomes. Another thing that David stressed was to always be a little paranoid, because a sentence could have underlying implications with just the addition or subtraction of a word, or choosing "and" instead of "or". 

It reminded me a lot about a puzzle, and being able to think of every single wrong thing that could happen so that then you can present the findings to whichever organization you're lobbying for. After the findings are presented, the organization decided whether to support, not support, or try to change things in the bill. Every single piece is important, and I realized that there is so much lying underneath that has to be dug up and so much research has to be done. It gave me a newly found appreciation for the people in government who know so much. David commented a few times saying that, "it's never boring, I learn new things every day." 

Stupid Heartbreak

You know, love is a lot like betting. Or stocks. And losing makes you feel like absolute _insert curse word here_. I have been crushed a bit by two guys in the past month. Sigh. I don't want to explain it in anything other than metaphors. I like metaphors.

Getting hit in the chest by a small truck.

Having a small child bodyslam your chest.

All those lovely things, metaphorically speaking, are rejection. Right down to the core. I feel it in my chest every single time. But, I get up and move on. 

The seasons changing.

Winter comes and goes often for me. There is a constant freezing, cracking, and melting cycle in my heart. And each time I try and believe that I'm stronger; that it won't hurt as much as it did last time. Yet someone comes along and wrecks that idea because I decided to put so much stock in them believing they were different. 

And then I listen to the same sad songs over again because I'm crushed.

In a few months, even a few weeks I'll have someone else I'm interested in who makes me feel like the stars. Someone else who's messages I'll save. And the cycle continues.

I always think "this one is different," especially the one I was just talking to because he was so much like me, I thought...

But I guess that's what I get for thinking. 

The world spins forward. And distance creates rifts between people who realize different parts of themselves over time. It's too hard to keep up. I've said this so many times, that, if you're always around someone and constantly reminded of their existence, then your love will either be great or fail. But distance breaks the chance of finding out because you become different people without the other realizing it. It's not just physical distance, it's mental distance. 

So, time to start again? 

TALLY?

GETTING A BED

Yeah it sounds over dramatic. But this is the best thing to happen to me in a LONG TIME. Well, one of them. I missed having a soft bed so much!!! I guess it's the simple things, but I love it. It makes me feel finally at home. For so long I missed having a bed. Moving from air mattress to dorm bed to air mattress was fine, but this, it just makes me feel loved. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel so lucky being in bed. I hope other people have this feeling once in their lives. 

I'm in Tallahassee now! It feels crazy. I keep moving around. My address keeps changing. I have no real home. I don't have a car. I don't have a cat or dog. But I do have this adventure. 

I need to make a list of "what will make me happy" or "what I wish for" list. Kind of like a vision board. 

I'm sorry it's past midnight and I'm a bit tired.

My roommates Allen and Dylan are actually really nice to live with. We all get along as of right now. I'm trying to reign in my nagging about dishes and things. I hope it says alright between all of us.