(Eats pretzels) so today and the past couple days I've had instances where I feel like I made mistakes with other people. In our RA meetings I just feel so judged by ___. And ____ is my friend. But I feel some sort of friction between us, and a lot of other people on staff. I don't like being the type of person to try and wedge into other people's things, but I sincerely feel like I'm wedging, sort of involuntarily. There's this feeling that ____ is talking badly about me, and I can tell possibly what's being said. Though it's all valid, I can feel it. Maybe I'm going crazy, but usually my instincts are correct. As people, we sincerely want to be liked by others. I'm no different. And I guess my social anxiety gives me a heightened sense of 1, knowing wanting to be liked and 2, knowing when I'm failing at trying to be liked. There are difficult times when I know I'm trying and nothing works, that I can feel. And it bothers me when I'm disliked, I understand that. I dwell on interactions from years ago that I wish I could have done differently. There are things I say that get a reaction that I wish I could take back.
That feeling of being left out, and that feeling of loneliness is often what drives me to be more distant from people. I would rather be lonely than be constantly rejected in some form or another even if it's just because of one word I said wrong.
It takes me back to a time in 4th grade where I just kept making mistakes, and tried to play them off. And I feel embarrassed for myself then, and myself now. Reverting to this feeling is stressful, and part of me wishes I had become more adult in my high school and college career.
Being dependent on others approval is a process to reverse. But I'm working on it.
(Back to snacks, featuring cheezeits)
Brave by Action Item
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