Unlost

I'm not looking to be found, just want to feel unlost.

So quick note about a boy...

Because my boy issues never stay the same for too long, though I hope this one sticks for a little while.

I feel the eye rolls. Now I just want to draw crescent rolls with eyes...

Anyways.

So a guy, who isn't perfect, but has qualities I find very important in someone. Yeah.

There's still the worry that it's going to end like all the others. But there's also the fear I'm going to like him and then not like him. I know it doesn't make sense. I like a lot of things about him, but I don't want to find that "deal breaker" I can't think of right now.

I still have my head about me and am going in very conscious. I don't know how much restraint I have, hopefully it's enough. I got a sweet good morning message, and it was actually intensely romantic, and little things like that make me fall for someone. I still am on the fence about some things, so I'm not too illusioned, but I don't necessarily want to hurt him either. I'm being a sarcastic cheese like I usually am to guys I just want to be friends with, but sometimes the "girly feel stuff" slips out and I can't control it. Because he makes me smile. And it's not that reason alone why I like him, trust me, I'm not THAT dumb. But it helps a lot. I find myself in a position where he wants to know everything about me and my life, and it's odd. Our conversations flow very easily. He loves reading, and likes learning about me. He's open minded, smart, and kind. He makes me laugh and roll my eyes too.

Each guy I've met is different. I just hope that these qualities are found in the person I end up marrying. It's important to me. Every guy I meet I have different deal breakers for that I find I can't get over. I haven't found one yet for this guy, but who knows. In a month I could be blogging about someone completely different. 

Song to add to the post- unlost by the Maine.

Bored out of my mind. What do most people do when they're bored? Be less bored. But when I'm asked to do work... I'd love to do work. If that makes sense.

So today I was called to do work for my mom at her new school. And I was ready to work. But the breaks in-between working kill me. I want to be constantly productive when I'm in an "at work" situation. And when I'm not busy I'd like to be home. I like to keep my home life and my work life separate. Like right now, I could be doing things, or relaxing at home. But I'm stuck here.

I wonder if a lot of people have the same problem; the need for separation of work and home. I don't like taking a break at work because I could just go home and break. 

It doesn't make much sense, but I would be better of working for 7 straight hours than going home, vs doing an 8 or 9 hour day with a break. 

Oh well. I need to take a shower. This blog post is not very important, but it is what it is.

Swiper. No Swiping.

Casually writing this at 6 AM because I can't go back to sleep yet.

Ah Internet dating/searching. Well I haven't been here in about 6 months so I'd better make a blog post about it.

So I get there's a "thing" with Internet dating because it's not the "safest way" to meet people, but since I was EHEHEMMM17EMHMM I thought it was just fine. And there were a few different apps I've used to connect with guys around the world, yes... Around the world. But I always ended up having to take a break because sometimes it gets overwhelming. And after the break I seem to always come back to this place of, "why not, maybe this time..." One-liner I feed myself. Through this way, I've learned a lot about myself and met a lot of guys who were actually pretty cool and made some "friends" I kept around for about 3 months before life got in the way and we up and just stopped talking. (Friends in quotes because it's never been true best friendship because we both didn't go into it thinking that way. Not FWB. Sickos. Though there were plenty of guys I talked to for 2 minutes who wanted that, still, nothing in the "physical" realm happened. If that makes sense.)

But I've come to learn, every now and again you see someone who you could see yourself with truly. There have been a couple guys who, from their witty bios and things, I felt I could really connect to and would love to hang out with. I guess from their similar interests and things. And then they just disappear. But those moments give me a bit of hope that I'll find someone through the internet I really like. (Which is terrible because I shouldn't keep coming back to these things.)

The last time I was talking with 2 guys who both ended up not right for me for different reasons. And I picked good guys, it just wasn't the right circumstances I don't think. One was in another country and the other in another state who had gotten out of a serious relationship not too long ago. So I don't think either one was in the right mindset. (Clearly I'm leaving things out but this blog has my full name on it, and even though it's impossible to find I'd rather not go into detail.)

I'm still looking for guys, both "trying to meet people" and through the Internet dating thing. I have some apps that I keep around just as a confidence boost that some attractive person thinks I'm attractive too. (It's not as sad as you think.)

Sifting through a good bit of guys has given me a lot of life experience, to be honest. I have learned a lot about guys, and about myself. There are choices I've made that I'm not exactly proud of, but for the huge decisions I've managed to do what's right for me and they've turned out well. There's still a lot of inner turmoil, and I have frequent flashbacks. But overall, it's a good experience and I always come out of it with a new perspective and new knowledge. 

(Still can't go to sleep.)

I don't do the day at the top because these are posted right after they're finished.

Broken promises are only ok if they're for yourself, by yourself.

So I did start writing things, but after 3 days of not blogging I found myself in an odd position. Either stop, or try and pick back up.

This makes me wonder how all New Years resolutions fail; because they're personal, and when life gets in the way you don't feel yourself important enough to keep those promises.

I try my hardest to always honor promises I've made to others. That includes me saying; "I'll do that." And it often comes as a shock to people when I actually send emails to others or get things done. Because I said I would, and that's enough to make me fulfill my end. But when it comes to seemingly empty promises to myself, like, "I'll blog more," not even a week later I have ignored my promise. And I wasn't even doing anything busy, and I was writing.

There are moods for me which are better than others to write in, but that doesn't mean I have nothing to say. I have prompts and things I've started but never finished. And I guess I don't feel the need to, because no one else knows they exist.

One thing about me is I like to run and climb and hike on my own. This is because I don't want anyone else to see my struggles. And I get anxiety running with other people. When I was in tennis camp in high school I would get up 2 hours early and show up to run alone because I had stress about what other people thought of me and what I thought of myself. I still do the whole "alone" thing. But you can parallel it to my everyday life. I have written countless things, even ones I've finished and think are incredible, but I haven't shared them. And even when people have asked to see my writing I'm hesitant and never actually said in words, "I'll show you." Because there's the struggle that only I want to go through. I want to put my best out there for everyone. And though this blog reaches mostly Alaska, the world is small and knowing that everyone is connected through social media and the Internet makes me worried that someone will read this and call me out on my thoughts. And if I can't even run in a group how am I supposed to deal with that type of confrontation? 

So I guess, making a promise like the one I made to blog more, is scary for me. I will continue with it, and trying to fulfill my promise, but there will be things posted that I worry about. Things that I don't necessarily want people close to me to read because they don't follow what is usually perceived from me in the physical world.

I don't like going back on my word or leaving unfulfilled promises. So I'm going to try. And no matter how open and honest some of these posts are, I'll keep going. I can't be afraid of hurting people because I'm trying to express myself. And it's a hard lesson to learn and to combat especially at the school I go to where trying to post a status means being 100% politically correct, which I'm trying to work on as well.

To conclude this long and painful thing, I'm going to try to keep posting. Which means the posts will become anything and everything. There will be things I can't post, but most of the stuff I will go out on a limb and share.

One week until heading back to school! (Faints)

I don't know where I went with this one

Safety

So tomorrow's blog post is going up a bit early because I wanted to get this off my chest.

Since we moved to a new area, apparently we are in a "less safer" part of town. Now, this doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but it does to my sister and my mom. My mother is a bit paranoid about strangers and things and my sister is just afraid of everything. So I had to walk Meimei 500 ft across the street to the neighborhood gym tonight. Which bothered me because she's almost 18 and is also incredibly annoying. Now, aside from the whole "if the world wasn't so unsafe" and "male vs female stereotypes" and "rape culture" etc that goes on, there are precautions a lot of my friends (mostly female) take to hopefully prevent horrible things from happening to them. I.e not going out alone at night or taking pepper spray or having those cat key things that stab watermelons. I do none of those things. Granted, part of me thinks that because I'm unattractive (ish, because I weigh more than most people) guys (or girls) will look for a much scrawny target, easier to take down and keep down. Or that I just kinda blend in with the scenery. I don't stand out like the people who have the winged eyeliner or the make-up or the crop tops and short skirts. (My sister)

And even when I've enjoyed taking runs and walks in the middle of the night in all black, no one's even payed attention to me. (Makes getting noticed by cute boys difficult, but whatever.)

Plus, in my head there's an element of, "I don't want to be afraid my whole life to walk where I want to." So I choose not to be afraid. 

I guess it's kind of silly, but I've walked the streets of downtown Tampa and San Francisco at night by myself, I've been to a concert on my own, I never let the fear get to me. And maybe that's foolish in some regards because I don't know exactly how well I could defend myself, but I have so much other stuff to worry about that I don't really care. 

Everything can kill you, you can die from everything and get hurt by anything. And no pepper spray or cat key chain is going to stop a bullet from 20 ft away. Protecting yourself involves quick thinking, not necessarily strength. 

It's definitely not something that bothers me as much as it does other people, and that's ok. 

If you're worried, get things to help defend you. If pepper spray gives you piece of mind then have it. But if you're constantly talking about how worried you are and do nothing to try and protect yourself or are concerned but never take precautions, then it's your own fault if something bad happens to you. You weren't prepared. And I get that it's our entire society's problem, but you knew it was a possibility. And until society is fixed, it will continue to be a possibility. Blaming society is fine, but there is a level of personal responsibility that needs to be taken because the U.S. And the world isn't going to change overnight or because you say it shouldn't be the way it is. It's like taking birth control. You know getting pregnant is a possibility, but you're at least working to prevent it as much as you can (when you're sexually active and not ready for children.) You know getting mugged walking down the street is a possibility, so you try and prevent it by hiding your wallet in your pocket and not your purse. 

I kinda lost my point there, but like most things I don't really edit these. But, they're what they are. My point is, if you're worried, carry some sort of protection. Don't just complain about society or talk about how unsafe the neighborhood is. The neighborhood probably won't change. But you can take steps so you can feel safer and be prepared in case something bad does happen.

Religion Thoughts

Looking around at all of the houses in Honduras with religious writings on them, I wondered, if these people who live on dirt floors were transported to the normal minimum wage lifestyle in the U.S. Would they still believe in it? Codee said that they would just because it was so engrained in their culture, but to compare the life of people in the U.S. To that of people in Honduras who have no way out, no chance to climb the ladder of the U.S. economic system, living in poverty, i think if I knew how well normal US citizens lived, and was stuck on an island with no way out, trash everywhere, I think I would hate God for giving some people a great start and cursing me from birth essentially. No one would choose to live that way. Even if god's plan involves making some people suffer, how could people still love him? Isn't that a bit cruel? Even though I don't believe that god has a plan for everyone, if he did, why would some plans involve senseless violence and death in the masses? 50% of the world fearing for their lives each second? It seems sickening, that a God who loves all would favor only a few because of the circumstances of their birth or of what they look like or how they behave, what skills and talents they have. And I can't imagine having so much potential, and being unrecognized for it because a God decided to make my life out to be nothing more than cooking and cleaning. "Gods plan" wastes people's talent and abilities and creativity because God chooses who to favor?

A friend of mine didn't get into the college of his dreams, which would have propelled him to become a pastor, preaching "the word of God" and says that God had other plans for him. Why wouldn't God look out for someone who dedicated their entire life to getting good grades so he could get into a school so he could eventually preach? Why give him a more difficult ride? Especially if he worked so hard to get there.

It seems to be a communist idea that everyone should be equal, but the communists just went about it the wrong way. All children should be given the same chance, under the same circumstances. And if there is a god, why would he make some kids drop their iPads while have others watch their parents die and then have to take care of their siblings? 

As babies, none should have a reason to have different opportunities than the other, because each newborn is a blank slate, with no emotions or impacts made on the world yet. 

I remember talking with someone and saying God either liked to punish people by giving them terrible things with no way out, or did nothing to help people. And the devil actually was in the right, by punishing sinners. It's an interesting concept. I'll look up the article later.

So I found the quote! And some more articles. One is from a theologian website guy, and it explains God knew Adam and Eve would want to be independent. But they weren't "independent" so much as disobedient, I think. And for not following God, even if God knew what was going to happen, they were cast out of Eden. Even though they loved God and wanted to be with him, they still chose to be tempted. And they weren't influenced by God or Eden, but by knowledge and the forbidden. They didn't reject God, they rejected the restraints God had set for them.  

I don't think having Earth and free will constitutes natural disasters killing children, or having some children born in poverty and some in wealth, that's not freedom or free will. Especially if the choice isn't made, it's bred into them because of what their parents believe. I know if my parents had me attend church every Sunday I would grow up thinking differently, but it's not of my own free will that I believe and love God, it's someone else's influence. And wouldn't "the way to the best existence" eventually lead to a stable life with less worries so that there would be more time devoted to God? 

I don't know. 

And no matter how much a child with terminal cancer loved God and prayed every day, it wouldn't change the fact that they would die if it's how "God" intended it to be. A question I have is; why.

7.21

Wow, I've done nothing today. And it's already 8:30 PM.

I woke up, went to the grocery store with Meimei, and ate some cookies and cleaned the house. Then made din dins and now I'm just relaxing upstairs. 

I will eventually do some work.

My life isn't going to be blog worthy or interesting... 

But some thoughts and things are coming soon, and will be uploaded instead of my boring sleep, nom, repeat for the next 2 weeks. The thoughts will be random and usually depressing or contemplative or really not pleasant or just dumb, but there will be something hopefully every day to continue the habit.

I ordered my new iPod!

Mom got a new job at the new K-8 school right next to my high school.

I still need to call dad. And write papers.

Now back to Disney movies and cookies.

I didn't realize how much I missed cookies.

And disinfecting hand soap. And clean ness. And Lysol/Clorox wipes.

I never know what to ask for birthdays or Christmas from people, so this year I'll say hand soap and iTunes gift cards and disinfecting wipes. Because the things I usually get myself are the expensive things and I get them when I need them, which is a lovely part of being a semi-adult without a car. No need for gas every week and a half. And no need to pay for other things yet except pitching in for college and car insurance twice a year. It gives me a lot of happiness to know that I buy the majority of my own clothes and pay for things I need and can afford to get groceries for myself and make educated decisions. I still want to invest in stocks... But... We'll get there.

It gives me a lot of pride to know I bought my iPad all by myself, and my new iPod and computer and most of my dresses. And I can afford to spend money on new music on a whim.

Anyways.

Meimei asked me today if I had a college boyfriend ever. I laughed. Then I lied and told her I wasn't looking for one, which isn't exactly a lie... It's just not... Well... The truth. It's in the gray area like most things. I'm not looking incredibly hard these days, but I'm also not, not looking.

So there's this picture of my mom that you can find on google from one of her relative's flickr account, and it's from when she was 18 and it's not exactly inappropriate but not cap and gown professional either. So she's asked (through my Facebook) for my uncle to take it down but it's still up and one of her friends texted it to her and asked if it was her and I saw it and laughed because it's exactly like what Meimei posts all the time. And since my mom is a professional-ish adult now, she hates that the photo is public. So, of course, I made fun of her because I don't really condone or accept her life choices from when she was 15-25. My sister's either. And I also said that she should show it to Meimei as a reminder that dumb stuff will haunt you on the Internet when you're an adult when your face is plastered all over it. Now, I may be sarcastic and rude every now and again, but due to me not being very attractive and a self-conscious cheese, I have no "sorority type" photos to speak of. Thank goodness for low self-esteem as a teenager, I won't have those type of things haunting me when I'm applying to a job or grad school or for anyone to see if they bothered to google my name. I mean, I'm sure that my mom doesn't regret most of the choices she made when she was my age. She got very far in the world and got to do cool things because of those choices. But it's not a lifestyle for me. I've contemplated it, but only because I would like to have money to travel, honestly. And so I wouldn't be so dependent on my parents. I want my own place to settle down in and not have to keep moving. (I know I already did this rant.)

Sigh. If I didn't make such good decisions and be always adult about certain things, maybe my high school time would have been more fun. I would have gone out more with friends. I wouldn't have gone to work an hour after I got my diploma. I would have been more social. In college too, my first year would have been more of an experience if I had actually gotten drunk with friends once or hung out with others more. Maybe I would have gotten a boyfriend or something. Who knows. And a part of me will always regret not being a teenager and making stupid mistakes, enjoying life and not holding down several jobs and being responsible. Because, in the end, I don't know if the teenage years were as fun as they could have been if I didn't have that intense sense of obligation to make adult decisions and work hard and do well in school. The only time I felt really alive and like a teenager was when I snuck to the All Time Low concert alone after scheduling off work that night (ahead of time) without telling my mom. Not that I didn't love the band Friday night football games and the band practices and tennis matches. But it's not even close to the "going to parties and having a steady boyfriend (multiple boyfriends for my mom)" high school experience. Maybe it's because I'm not attractive, or have too much of a adult moral compass for my age, but living with people who've experienced these things makes me wonder if their memories were better than mine because they made mistakes then without fear of the adult world that lie ahead and the consequences of their actions. 

Anyways, this post has gone on long enough, and it's not even an official rant/thought.

Bed time. Tomorrow I'll actually do some work. Hopefully.

7.20

At the airport early this morning, waiting for the plane. I'm ready to get home for 13 days, before the big move and change. Skipping breakfast because stomach ache, but soon I'll get to be home, in a new place, on a new air mattress... (The other ones died. I think we need insurance for these 50$ things.) I need a break for a little while. I deserve it, I think.... But I can't forget all of the work I have to do to finish up the summer class, and the self-evaluation.... And all the other things. Plus remembering all of the things for college.

So I'm just sitting waiting for my battle.net to reload.... And so we can board to go home. Now my wifi has run out of time. (Note to self, buy new iPod) At least they're not charging me to breathe. Yet.

(Skip passing out on the plane and having to get Starbucks for mom)

Now just waiting for a pickup on the green benches which are not conducive for proper Starbucks holding.

The new apartment is amazing, and I'm very happy here. The loft is awesome, and it's a very large and gorgeous space. After some pasta I feel much much better.

Nap time now.

Today's theme song; someday somehow by every avenue (who I think are JAX boys.)

7.19

Wow! 4 AM! (Proceeds to roll over and sigh while Codee is up and ready to leave for her 7 AM flight.)

After getting all ready, we went downstairs to find that Mei-Jing, Grace, and I could just sleep until 8:00 AM. So we went back upstairs and passed out. Then we had a nice breakfast which had plantains. (Note to self; make good plantains.) Come to find that our taxis had huge propane tanks in the back of them as part of the motor or something, so instead of just 2 taxis, we took 3. One had only luggage. The ride was a little nerve racking, but overall fast and smooth. We got our tickets and then went through security and Grace, Mei-Jing, and I met a really cool and buff Asian guy who was just hanging out in Honduras who graduated from FSU. He was pretty chill. After security we found our gate (#6 out of 6...) and I got a marchuyá smoothie and some gifts for home since I didn't nearly spend the amount of money I thought I would. Mei-Jing found her gate with the help of the buff Asian guy who was also going to Atlanta, and she headed on her way.

Carlos and I watched the Lion King 2 ALL the way up until the last second. (We were about last on the plane and the movie ended right before we entered the plane.) He'd never seen it before so of course, I was super excited to show him, and he loved it.

I'm seat 24 D next to a young couple with a tiny baby who is pretty quiet. I tried sleeping, but this plane is a bit too small and I'm a bit too hungry for that.

Of course, after a nice din dins and ice cream, I miss my flight by 3 minutes. I was on the phone with my mom, and.... Missed it. Thankfully after two seconds of a breakdown, I was able to get a free hotel and a free flight change. The hotel was very nice (minus the occasional bug) and I enjoyed having a room to myself for 5 minutes.

7.18
The morning involved a few bits of pineapple and a few sad goodbyes to my friends on Cayos. Riding in the boat back was really sunny and fun for me, jamming out while watching the smooth sail. Everything was perfect for about 1 hour. And then we hopped into the van for 3 hours of terror and more music to calm my anxiety. (Also wondering what I got this bad cut on my left hand from.) I got in total about 10 minutes of sleep due to the repeated interruptions from my friends and from the horrible lurching of the bus. But finally we made it to the hotel Monteolivos, which has AC and Wifi and is super comfy. I am on the pull-out couch.
We ordered pizza (after much money discrepency and a lot of talking with the guy at the front desk) and sat around relaxing. Codee and I snapchatted eachother from 20 ft away while Grace and Mei-Jing went to hang out with the boys at the mall. I showered and am squeaky clean and dry for the first time in a while. My hair is all soft. I watched Finding Nemo and was able to catch my breath from this adventure, which included facebook status updating.
Now off to bed before the LONG airport day tomorrow, starting at 4 AM and going until past midnight for me. Sigh. The layovers will give me the chance to catch up on some highly necessary work to finish up the class though. (Sadly, it must be done.)
Almost back to the new apartment and unboxing. It's going to be interesting coming home to a new place again. They (sister and mom) moved today without me. Thankfully I didn't get shoved with a ton of that cleaning and moving like last time.
I get to come home to boxes and chores. And then leave 2 weeks after that for Sarasota and RA training. Wow. It's going by so fast.
There will be a separate post for my thoughts and ranting I did today.
Almost home.

7.17
THE LAST ISLAND DAY
So after another egg and plantain breakfast, I decided to take a hike before everyone else over to the east end for the beach clean-up. Once I got there Kona and I enjoyed a moment to ourselves and I got to play with two puppies!!! Then we started working on cleaning up. I heard a sound of a little boy and I went over to the dock and picked him up because he was crying. Kona scared him. So I returned him to his mom who I didn't realize was Rhetina, who's super awesome and has the little baby I got to hold, along with the 3 other kids who are incredible and independent. After more cleaning, I washed off in the water and then got to hold Rhetina's baby for a little bit. He's so adorable!
Once the clean-up was over, we headed back the longer route. Of course, I was going slow because I had taken my shoes off. Soon I had fallen too far behind, and was unsure of where everyone else went. At the "fork in the road" there were two options for me. Go to the water and walk the easy path, or guess the path upwards which was quite vertical and deathly looking for someone like me who really doesn't do inclines well. I went to the water and walked around the island trying not to cut myself on the rocks. Some of the rocks were not as kind as others, but I made it through. There were a couple of moments where I had no choice but to swim in the water around the points, but overall I was alright. Once I found some rocks I could stand on again, I had to debate whether to brave the possible urchin attack or swim. So I swam. Finally I reached a house in an inlet where I met two locals; a father and son. They didn't speak any english, but my small amount of spanish made up for the language barrier enough for me to get by. After a moment of rest, they helped me and took me back up the hill which wasn't too bad, and I was spit out right by our cabin! So I ran to the room and got him 20$, because without him I don't think I would have been as alright as I was. So I finally reached the bar again and learned a small search party consisting of Mei-Jing, Thomas, and Adam had been out for about 30 minutes looking for me. I was thinking on my walk, no one was going to find me if they searched on foot, because I was so waterlogged. (My inhaler I think is ruined. I'll get another one in a couple days.) As soon as they came back Mei-Jing gave me a bit of an earfull. Which was rightly deserved. Being a small unsuspecting Asian kid, most people don't believe I can take care of myself or make the right decisions in situatuions like these. But I do know what works for me and what clearly doesn't, and if I had gone up the incline cliff I would have fallen or twisted my ankle, no doubt about it. And I have developed my sense of direction after finally figuring out how highways work. (It only took 17 years of my life and a lot of being lost.) Then I had enough of my adult sense to go to Professor Gilchrist's room and let her know what happened to me and that I was fine, which went over quite nicely.
I realized today that I am much more capable than I thought, and I am glad of my decision to choose the path I did. I know when something serious or dangerous comes along, I will be able to make the right choice for me. And know that I will make it in the end. And to be honest about all situations, wrong or right. I may not know what I want to do with my life, or what I am doing here on this insanely small blue speck floating in space. (Sagan references.) But I know that I will ultimately choose what is right for me. There have been so many instances where my choices have been validated, but this one was one of the more monumental ones. I'm glad to have experiences like these, and that no matter how dark the tunnel or how vast the space, there will be light for those who choose to find it.

(Skip lunch and working and finishing my power point and helping grab everything to go home and drawing graphs and music and benadryl and money sorting and final dock sunset talking about adoption and bagels and layovers.)
So I kind-of summed up the last 6 hours.... in a lot of "ands."
The presentation went well. Mine was not as scientific as everyone elses in regards to statistics and running computer programs, but it went alright.
I skipped "pirate night" and went to pack. Everything fit! Even both sets of fins!! Incredible I know.

7.16
Breakfast and another "work day."
I was able to get all of my data imputted into my Excel Spreadsheet, and am pretty ready for tomorrow's work. Minus a chunk of time for another beach clean up. The inhaler definitely helps me on those hikes.
I didn't go swimming today, but with 25 data points I think I have enough to be somewhat statisticaclly significant.
(Skip nap and lunch)
I went with Codee, Mei-Jing, and Carlos to Chachuate, which was another really cool experience. I loved the roller coaster boat ride! The water was so clear and beautiful, I couldn't even begin to describe the color. We met some really nice people and I got earrings for my mom and a turtle necklace for me. There was some coconut fudge type thing which was quite delicious. The big conch shells we found had a gorgeous pink inside, and there were a few pictures taken which were so adorable.
(Skip din dins and videogames.)
It took a little while and a bit of strife to find the things for the projector, but after that, we had a presention of photos which was cool. I enjoyed seeing this type of mellow thing.
Tomorrow is the big final presention for our final work. I think mine should be alright. We'll see. I think I need a bit more research on hermit crabs in general. It's on my list of things to remember to do.
Now on to music and a little bit of work and videogames and shower and bed.

7.15
(pancakes.)
(Has issues writing sentences.)
This morning is another nice day that I'm going to use to go out and enjoy and survey to get as many points as possible for my project. I have a few layout template things for use soon, but I'm still super tired from last night sleeping in the most uncomfortable positions ever.
Swimmy Swimmy Swimmy. I got a lot of data points.
After swimming I jumped off of the side of the dock and attempted to use the rope swing which... didn't work immensely well. There was a nice little while where I was drying off in the hammock by the bodega listening to the dive master instruction time, and then it ended, and Adam and Brian proceeded to topple me out of the hammock into the water below. I was a bit sour, but I was OK. Everyone got a nice laugh out of it.
(Skip lunch and loading videos and playing videogames and typing up data points)
Now it's night dive time! Before din dins. I won't freak out I promise.
The dive was pretty nice, it was just a 30 minute photo session really with a lot of sunset pictures and messing around, since it wasn't exactly dark enough for us to see any cool organisms. But it was still fun.
(Skip shower and bed and the lion king 2 with Tyler and Codee and oreos.)

7.14
(Skip breakfast and getting a crab out of Codee's backpack)
After a lot of coconut ring making, dust, and lunch, I went out to do some more data collection. It went really well and I got to see another seahorse which I kind-of messed with a little bit, but he's ok!! I had such a relaxing time out there. There was also a barracuda which I got a pretty picture of. I did some nice thinking, as well as find 3 spotted hermit crabs which are so cute and will probably mess my data up, but oh well. It's been a pretty slow day, so not much activity or things worth blogging about.
There are a lot of ants and they were in my computer for a while until I angrily threw them all out. Soon, I will be reunited with Lysol wipes.
(Skip din dins and videogames)
I fell asleep on the dock for a while, but it resulted in me waking up quite damp and a little bug bitten. So I begrudgingly headed upstairs and proceeded to pass out in Mei-Jing's hammock. It was much nicer compared to inside, because of the few degrees change in temperature. And the mesh ensured, less bugs.

7.13

There are about 5 days left on this island!! 

I woke up around 6 and I was able to get a bit of work done then which was nice.

(Skip breakfast)

There is a lot of work being done by almost everyone, so I've been sitting here working for a while.... like... 2 hours. But minus the break in the middle where I went and worked on a couple rings. The water is so nice today, I think I'll go out when I'm completely finihsed with this tank activity. Everything else is pretty much done though which is SPECTACULAR. 

Now I'm coming for the cookies. For some reason I get hungrier when I'm sitting working compared to when I'm out in the water. 

COOKIES. 

(Skip lunch and dinner and working.)

The lecture was just on critiquing a scientific paper, which shouldn't be too difficult, just a lot of reading. NOW to turn everything in, find the battery charger, and showerrrrr. :) I want to be squeaky clean.

Yes today was just another rock work day, but that's ok too. But for the rest of the time I am going to be exploring the waters until I leave, and working inside and doing a powerpoint. It shouldn't be too difficult, just long.

(Back to music and I AM GOING TO EMAIL THESE ASSIGNMENTS NOW I PROMISE.)

7.12
We're almost done! It's insane. Don't worry, I will always be blogging somewhere.
(Skip breakfast)
I was able to go out today to my usual spots to look for hermit crabs. As usual it was a challenge for an hour. While I was hunting by the drop off a HUGE spotted stingray sidled up to me and I got to swim with him! It was so amazing, and I got some great shots. Just like yesterday, it was an experience I will never forget. After seeing them at the Georgia Aquarium, this was incredible. A twice in a lifetime experience.
After a while I was able to find 4 data subjects for my study, and conclude that I have to leave out one of my data points because it's not made for the experiment due to all of the dead cooked fish. (Long story short, I can't use it because of the confounding variable... I think that's the right word.)
Back on land there was a snake!!! It was so cool to see. After Dante and a local confirmed that it wasn't venomous, Dante picked it up. I, of course, had to hold it. He was so cute!!! I carried him with me for 5 minutes posing for pictures and showing him off.
We released him back into the trees and then I resumed drying off. Then as I was trying to take a photo of a new hermit species I still haven't identified, Codee and I inspected this weird bug who is also still unidentified. But I got a couple pictures of it.
(Skip moving through photos and looking up things for the paper and lunch.)
(Skip rock out work time. A lot of work time. Plus a baby nap.)
(Skip dinner and sourness and key lime and work and procrastination)

7.11
(Skip noming on pancakes and playing hearthstone)
After I lost another game of hearthstone, I went out and put on a wet dive skin in the communal shower begrudgingly and headed out to hunt. I went all over the reef and my camera froze in the first 20 minutes again. Oh well. Thankfully my project doesn't require a camera. I found a new species of hermit crab which I will identify later. I missed gettingsome really awesome photos of a chain eel. I got to swim with a SPOTTED EAGLE RAYYYYYYYYYY. Not to mention allof the other amazing creatures that I got to swim with, like my mullet fish friends and all of the hermit crabs. I was able to get enough data for a little while, enough for some sort of 2 day satisfaction. Nearning the end though, I started to get that sour taste in my mouth. Though I kept powering through, I'm worried it's because of the depth and me not handling the pressure.
Of course at least once on this trip I had to do something completely dumb, so I fell out of a hammock in front of Gilchrist who smiled and laughed at me. Oh well.
Last night I made another coconut ring with half of a heart, two lines, and an arrow and I created my own symbolic reasoning for them.
My stomach isn't feeling the best, (neither is my head, bit of dehydration and sunstroke I'm sure) so I think I'm going to head up soon and lay down. Best not be sick because I still have to collect more data tomorrow.
After a quick nap I think I just have a bit of sun stroke and am pretty dehydrated with a touch of a fever. Hopefully I can power through and then just collapse once I get in the car to go to the new apartment.
I'm mentally working through some things as well. Going home to another new place is odd. I keep feeling uprooted. Despite loving the adventure, I still need a place to come home to. I want to go out to find myself, but have a space for me; a safety net. Throughout my life I have been able to go away, but know there will be a place with my address. The constant change of that is changing me. Going to college, I have no plan, and that awful realization torments me to no end. With so little money and not enough time, I worry I will become more lost than I already am. Even though I'm on an amazing trip with amazing people, I can't help but have anxiety about all of the things I still need to do and haven't done back home. I'm worried to go back to school too, and to visit my dad again in December, and all of these things I just can't seem to escape from. Soon I will have to be renting my own apartment and settling in a job. It's speeding up so much faster than I would like it to. And no matter how much time everyone says I have, I know it's a lie. Though most people have no idea what they're doing with their lives and are just going through the motions; I can't do that. I'm not that complacent. I'm not like that, and I never want to be that way; ignoring the feeling of clipped wings. I want to figure out who I am and who I want to become so that I have something to work for. But this constant worry keeps me in the dark. My hope was that this trip would help me even a little bit to figure out where I wanted to take myself in the next 5 years, and all I have to show for it is sickness and anxiety masked by throwing myself into work too hard and crashing right after and listening to sad music to try and feel something, anything but worry. Happy, sad, mad, angry, just anything else different from what I'm constantly stuck in. I keep searching my past, re-living the awful moments that make me cringe, on this island with nothing to show for myself. Even if I found a new brilliant scientific breakthrough, I don't think it would pull me out of this lost state. No matter how many doors seem to be held open for me, if I have no drive to go through any of them then what's the point?
It makes me feel even worse that I can't enjoy every single second of this place. No matter how much medicine I take, no matter how far I travel, I can't escape the feeling that I'm lost with no reason or drive to find the way out.
(Skip nap which made me feel a bit better and sunset watching, slow din dins eating, and more anxiety. There were no notes today and no night snorkel, so I headed up to bed after Thomas opened a Hearthstone pack for me and I played for a little while. I worked on fixing my ring. Then bed.)

7.10

(I didn't eat this morning because eggs.)

Ah a hike. Which was much easier than the first time because of the fact that I took my inhaler, but due to the calf cramps and the slight back cramps it took me a bit longer to get over there, so Thomas helped me out and he told me about hearthstone and guildwars.

Once we got over there both of us immediately began to pick up trash while a few stood around and did not. Once we were all filled up on trash, we headed back on the "schoolbus" and I begrudgingly took a five minute break. After that I went out in the water and was able to find a couple locations and take some measurements for my project on the dive slate. While out there I was having a little trouble, because things would come up from my throat/stomach and my body was just so angry with me for so many reasons. But, being the stubborn idiot I am, I ignored it and the awful taste in my mouth.

I was able to find the 3 species I had found before, and the blues were in the most abundance. (SOO CUTE and POKEABLE) After helping Codeee with her measurements, we headed in.

(Skip lunch which I did eat but I still wasn't feeling too well.)

After lunch I took a 5 minute kayak out around just to go somewhere in it. And then shower and nap because I was still not feeling very well.

Now cue the lovely downpour.

(SIDE NOTE ABOUT THE NIGHT SWIM THAT I DIDN'T INCLUDE A FEw DAYS AGO PROBABLY- It was so fun! People got stung by jelly fish and Codee and I were laughing our butts off looking at all of the nightlife. There were SO MANY JELLYS. I loved even the slightly scary parts. We didn't swim with any spotted eagle rays, but we did find a spotted sand ray ish thing which was super cool!)

Now din dins and then soon lecture.

(Skip din dins and ring work)

7.9

(Skip being woken up by out-of-tune singing and PLANTAINS.)

It's too early to be doing anything mentally stimulating. Mainly because I keep spelling the easiest words wrong. But I'm going to power through. I figured out what I'm going to do for my project!!! I'm just doing work on hermits. I am seeing if there is a correlation between depth and distance and how many/what type of crabs are out there at a couple different locations.

(Skip lunch and rainy afternoon plus more rings for others people that are so not finished.)

Now is more work time. Hopefully I don't fall asleep listening to sad music because I'm in one of those moods.

(I couldn't spell a thing, so I went and finished rings for Gilchrist and Gilman and felt much better despite the multiple bug bites.)

(Skip din dins of spicy tacos and cookies.)

Now it's time for lecture and then I'm peacing out. I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow is a beach clean-up which is supposed to be a punishment for someone accidently littering a couple plastic bags into the ocean... but all of us are like "YES BEACH CLEAN UP" so it's not technically a punishment at all. 

Oh well. Something for me to do before I go swimmy for the project.

7.8

I started the day off with pancakes and checking the weather which I read to mean that there is a storm brewing. It doesn't surprise me in the least. A storm seems overdue.

So I rushed out to observe some crabs and ended up finding 3 different types and photographing them. I'm torn between doing a project with only the Dwarf Blues or a combination of all of the species. I could see if there is a correlation between water temperature, salinity, and pH with how many hermit crabs I spot in which type. We'll see if I have the equiptment for that. I would take samples from by the dock and by the right near the outdoor oven.

Now I'm relaxing a little bit. I definitely need to drink some water. My legs are still a little sore from yesterday. 

(Skip watching the Little Mermaid and a nap)

We went downstairs for din dins and I showed everyone the trailer for the Secret Life of Pets and Codee and I gave Gilchrist the shells left from her housing agency. Then we helped number and glue shells again. (I did the gluing and only got a little on my fingers.)

After that we headed back downstairs with some of the broken shells and made necklaces. We also hunted for rocks and shells to add to the jewelry. (I just messed with crabs and got some lovely photos.) Then another shower followed because I felt sweaty, and more necklace working with Codee. (Plus the citronella candle.)

Then bed before midnight.

7.7

This moring we were able to go out and take a quick walk over to the edge by the firepit. There Dante showed us a beautiful looking fish. (Furiously looks up fish type) (Catches humming bird and then it escapes and then finally leaves the hang area) So I couldn't identify the fish because I was forgetting what type it was.

Moving on. 

I'm planning my research project on hermit crabs and where they reside, what types are out there, (4 types according to Gilchrist) and what coral type they prefer. It seems pretty straightforward. If I'm not able to have a semi-successful first day, I will change my idea to parrotfish coral preference, like which corals do the stoplight parrotfish eat most, etc.

Who knows. I need to get out there ASAP to do some work. But until then....

(Skip making two AWESOME coconut rings instead of working like I should have, and then got bug bites while out there.)

(Skip tasty pizza)

I went out to swim to look for hermit crabs and the boys (Thomas and Adam) roped me into going with them to explore. While they swam around I poked a couple hermit crabs and identified mostly the Dwarf Blues. Some stayed in the fire coral so I was not able to identify them. I also got cramps in both of my calves one after the other. As long as Gilchrist doesn't know, I'm good.

After that was din dins and lecture time. The day ended with Natalie, Codee, Thomas, Mei-Jing, Grace, and I numbering and gluing shells for Gilchrist. It was a pretty lovely day. Before bed I read to Codee some common Spanish phrases and some things about corals in a funny voice that was very entertaining. 

7.6

(skip breakfast and newcommers showing up to the island)

I WORKED A LOT. It was a free-work day basically, so I got a lot done. I finished my essay talking about sponges and Man o' Wars, and Natalie and I finished the poster presentation about the focal area and focal species project from yesterday. Now I am a free lucky duck for an hour and a half before we present. I think I'm going to hang out in a hammock for a little while. Not much happened this morning. My ipod finally gave up and died. But other than that, it has been a very nice day. 

(Skip lunch and more work and then break with me playing mario)

Natalie and I presented our poster and it went smoothly, just a little editing needs to be done on it to make it look nice to blow up on a real poster. 

Then we went out for our first night snorkel after dinner! It was awesome!!! A couple of us got stung by real man of war jellys though. I saw one up close and it was much scarier than I thought. Codee and I were laughing the whole time under the dock while looking with everyone for octopus and fish. We found a ray in the sand and I think I got a couple nice photos. I was only able to keep about 15 out of 74, but still, it was pretty amazing.

After I didn't shower but everyone else did, we went back downstairs. I went to get my ipad cord and ended up out with them for a few hours on the dock laughing and talking and hanging out with Tyler (who is an Aries so we click well together). I was able to luckily talk all of them out of a night swim because of their raised blood alcohol content. Around 11 Natalie and I called it quits and I showered and reviewed the night snorkel photos. Now it's bed time. Thankfully I know my brain can't function in the morning if I stayed awake and out any longer.

7.5

Ah the lovely day after the 4th. I woke up alert today despite the 5 hours of sleep. No bad bug bites.

(Skip breakfast... I mean I ate... just.... anyway.)

We went out today in pairs/trios to do different types of studies on the corals. Natalie and I first did the 10 minute 1 meter by 1 meter watch. She took pictures while I recorded on a dive slate. After that, we followed a little blue tang fish around for ten minutes and watched him eat. I was able to swim with the huge fish again under the dock, and we were messing around and saw an OCTOPUS. A HUGE ONE. He clearly didn't fit in the crevace like he wanted. At first we thought he was a huge snail, and then I saw his big eyes and suctions and called Natalie back over. He was so cool! It's definitely something I hope I never forget.

(Skip lunch)

We had free work time, so I went up and took a shower in the daylight for the first time in a while. (After much anger at the water in cabin 8's shower which was so hot I was so unhappy I couldn't even touch it.) Then I've been here, at the computer, working on the Species Identification powerpoint of mine (now a lovely green and closed and done!) and attempting not to pass out next to Codee. (who braided my clean hair all nice)

(Skip work and pain for 3 more hours with small "ughh" breaks in between)

At dinner, Austin and I thought it would be a good idea to pour hot sauce on our food. Of course it was super spicy hot sauce and we both were dying, but continued to eat because we had to eat something. So we both died for a while. My tongue was on fire and my lips went numb. But after a little bit more work it was alright. Then Natalie and I went back up to the room and worked more on our poster project we did today using focal species and focal area. 

Now I'm exhausted, and I need to sleep.

7/4

I'm spending this "Independence Day" away from the USA. Which isn't the worst experience ever. This morning was a solid 5-hour work time, after I slept in an extra hour. (hehehe so worth it I was exhausted) I got a lot of photos sorted and begun working on the powerpoint for the species identification project. Soon that will be all finished.

(Skip all the boring 5 hour rock-out work time and lunch which was awesome sliders as usual... I think they're one of my favorites with just the pickle and mustard and onion..... noms. Anyways.)

We went out again after lunch and swam with my awesome group, getting finished with our 5X5 random sampling activity in about 10 minutes, and then going over to the right side of the island by the corals and creeping around to kill time. I was still swimming for a bit more and I was able to swim with the school of baby fish again under the dock, as well as swim with these huge fish which I think are striped mullet... Still unsure...

It was an incredible experience! And as usual I got more glamour shots of the parrot fish because I will never get over them. (Sigh) 

Continuing on.

Now is more work time + rock-out time to finish for the night.

7/3

This morning we (exhausted we) went out and hunted for photos for crustaceans and fish. Of course, I was super excited to just be out in the field observing stuff. Still, the parrot fish are my favorite, so (obviously) I swam after a few of them, trying to get the best "glamour shot." We went out for an hour, and then Natalie and I saw everyone else heading in. Naturally, we kept at it in stride to the other side of the dock to look for more crustaceans. SO MANY LOBSTERS. I mean... three isn't considered "many" but it's ok. (Some were just dead and cooked lobster heads.) After a lot of salt water and diving down to creep on unsuspecting urchins, we finally went inside.

(Skip lunch and hour break furiously moving 250 photos into their respective places.)

This afternoon we went out and looked for mollusks and plants to the right of the dock. Because Natalie and I had already been out there, I was able to recognise certain corals as ones I saw on the first excursion. I worked on trying to perfect my photography, and found a really odd worm. Later I will identify it... probably. 

After most of the group went inside, I still (ignoring the toe blisters from the fins) went hunting and went under the dock. It was amazing! I saw a (father) seahorse hanging on to a palm fronth and I swam with hundreds of little tiny fish. It was one of the most epic experiences I've ever had. 

(skip din dins and fun time and bed)

How do you sleep?

7/2

MORNING HIKE TIME. I was really sweaty and tired... partly because I forgot to take my inhaler beforehand... but... oh well. We had a fun time, other than the bruise I obtained sliding down a steep hill. Once we got there, it was really amazing to see how these people lived. Going through the town, Dante knew everyone. He was even able to snag us some lobsters. We gave the children candy and I hung out with this adorable baby who's picture didn't make it back with me, but he was so cute! Dante was explaining that when his mother had to take him to the doctor, she was away for 3-4 days and the 10 year-old sister had to take care of the other 3 kids. Before I had learned this, I had given her all of the candy I had gotten from Thomas, because I guessed that was the case.

Seeing the place that these people really lived in was humbling. I would love for everyone to experience that different lifestyle. The empty coke bottles were still rampant.

The school was really intriguing. The little kids were all dressed in their uniforms and were really respectful. I think they were very appreciative of us visiting and handing out candy. I would love to go and visit again, minus the hike.

The boat ride back was really cool, and I got some great photos. We are supposed to go out again in a little bit in the water. I'm hoping for rain or a day off.

(Skip lunch and shower interrupted by an electrician fixing our outlet)

We went out with cameras today and the new cameraman Chip, and I was able to grab a ton of cool shots of different organisms that I am going to identify in a moment. My legs are a bit sore from the hike, but overall I'm hanging in there. (Cat poster reference.)

(Skip my rambling about wanting an entire large pizza)

(Skip dinner)

We had a nice talk with Gilchrist and the new photographer on how to properly take underwater photos. I didn't take incredible ones today, but hopefully I will tomorrow for the full experience. Tonight I'm going to do some paperwork and try not to fall asleep.

7/1

Happy July time!

This morning I woke up still tired. Today was day 1 of transit time; taking my bff, the industrial tape measure and struggling in the water with it elongated out 20 meters against the current. I worked together in a small group and after we worked out the kinks in our on-land game plan, the project went really smoothly. I have a ton of photos to sort through. We did a point transit for our first trial, and then we're going out later to do a regular meter transit. (Ah metrics) The camera is working swimmingly (hehehe) and I was able to get some good shots. 

(Skip drying in the diveskin and playing fetch with Cona)

Now is lunch time. 

(Skip hot dog lunch and working on identification of organisms.)

Going out to do the normal transit was amazingly quick and our group was AWESOME. I love the people and we all worked together really well to get it done SUPER early. Which was definitely nice. I think that was the most efficient transit I've ever done. It was just the four of us because Thomas went out diving, so we each had a job and it went swimmingly (hehe) even though we were in moving water. Now is the "fun" part of identifying several several organisms over a lot of photos. SO dedicated work time begins... (I'm probably going to break for a bit and internet around.)

After a few hours of fun time, we were able to get the majority of our work done. Natalie and I worked at light speed while the boys helped... mostly by keeping Dante entertained. Then we rocked out for a while before bed. 

6/30
TWO EXCURSIONS IN ONE? Yes, and it will of course become routine. But the first day was awesome. We went to the left of the dock and explored the corals, which were in a much shallower area than the reef on the right. There were of course the multiple sea fans in lovely purple and the little "Christmas tree" (as said by mei-jing) anemones hanging out on what I think was false brain coral. Still, the parrot fish remain my favorite for their coloring and their cute beaks and the way they nom the corals (girly squeals) and I love them. The giant orange tube sponges are really creepy to look at, but still amazing. Seeing the reefs, as I said, is the best in real life. Hopefully all of my photos turn out fab-a-las-ly. I'm too lazy to post all of them, but I will post the (in my opinion) worthy of the internet.
Each time we saw something different when we went out. A lot of the organisms were vertebrae, but I quite enjoyed it. Some of the coolest organisms I found were with 100% spines. I got a sweet video of a founder and one fat sea cucumber. The jeweled damsel fish are gorgeous especially against the red/yellow corals. I hope to get more videos of them.
I ended the day watching the sunset on the dock with the girls, playing fetch with Cona, and eggplant lasagna.
On the way up to the room there was a big scorpion in the "road" which, at night, scared us. And the usual geckos and iguanas.
(Skip sleepy time. The nighttime mosquitos were a bit of an annoyance, but it wasn't that bad.)

Toes