Broken promises are only ok if they're for yourself, by yourself.

So I did start writing things, but after 3 days of not blogging I found myself in an odd position. Either stop, or try and pick back up.

This makes me wonder how all New Years resolutions fail; because they're personal, and when life gets in the way you don't feel yourself important enough to keep those promises.

I try my hardest to always honor promises I've made to others. That includes me saying; "I'll do that." And it often comes as a shock to people when I actually send emails to others or get things done. Because I said I would, and that's enough to make me fulfill my end. But when it comes to seemingly empty promises to myself, like, "I'll blog more," not even a week later I have ignored my promise. And I wasn't even doing anything busy, and I was writing.

There are moods for me which are better than others to write in, but that doesn't mean I have nothing to say. I have prompts and things I've started but never finished. And I guess I don't feel the need to, because no one else knows they exist.

One thing about me is I like to run and climb and hike on my own. This is because I don't want anyone else to see my struggles. And I get anxiety running with other people. When I was in tennis camp in high school I would get up 2 hours early and show up to run alone because I had stress about what other people thought of me and what I thought of myself. I still do the whole "alone" thing. But you can parallel it to my everyday life. I have written countless things, even ones I've finished and think are incredible, but I haven't shared them. And even when people have asked to see my writing I'm hesitant and never actually said in words, "I'll show you." Because there's the struggle that only I want to go through. I want to put my best out there for everyone. And though this blog reaches mostly Alaska, the world is small and knowing that everyone is connected through social media and the Internet makes me worried that someone will read this and call me out on my thoughts. And if I can't even run in a group how am I supposed to deal with that type of confrontation? 

So I guess, making a promise like the one I made to blog more, is scary for me. I will continue with it, and trying to fulfill my promise, but there will be things posted that I worry about. Things that I don't necessarily want people close to me to read because they don't follow what is usually perceived from me in the physical world.

I don't like going back on my word or leaving unfulfilled promises. So I'm going to try. And no matter how open and honest some of these posts are, I'll keep going. I can't be afraid of hurting people because I'm trying to express myself. And it's a hard lesson to learn and to combat especially at the school I go to where trying to post a status means being 100% politically correct, which I'm trying to work on as well.

To conclude this long and painful thing, I'm going to try to keep posting. Which means the posts will become anything and everything. There will be things I can't post, but most of the stuff I will go out on a limb and share.

One week until heading back to school! (Faints)