Summer lovin, happened so fast...

So I meant to write this a few days ago, but I've been going through some stuff and didn't want to talk to anyone because it probably wouldn't have ended well.

This isn't a break up letter since we were never together, I just think I need to clear up any grey area that may be floating around.

So... It's summer. We lead different lives on opposite schedules 8 hours apart. And I think, no matter how much we like each other, right now it doesn't make sense for us to try to be anything beyond friends who occasionally flirt... Yeah, that sounds correct.

I figured that clearing this up lets you do whatever, and me do whatever, without worrying that one of us is hurting the other or that we wrecked it again. (Meaning that I... wrecked it... Again.) I don't think either of us wants to spend their time by the phone waiting for a message that might not come.

In my head, a relationship shouldn't feel like an obligation, and I don't think it should be something that should hold someone back from having the freedom to do what they please. Also, I don't want to be the reason you miss something in the world around you.

So, this is more of a "talk to you later," if you agree with my logic.

Thanks for reading my long drawn-out paragraph. Talk soon. :)

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I know I haven't posted in 3,000 years and this is what happens, but I'm trying to write more. 

Call me in the London lights...

"I'm sure there were moments, when you were little, that you felt like you were screaming for help saying nothing at all and no one noticed.

Even though dirt keeps piling up, it's new dirt. You've made progress on the old dirt. Which is why even though I'm still 6 ft under, I can now handle being in the dating sphere, and can take rejection."

-my advice to a friend 

I can be poetic sometimes

The silk sliding cross my skin whispering promises to stay, yet in the morning there is nothing but a memory of a feeling that can't really be described. It was there though, wasn't it?

I'm in a mood.

I think my dreams are reflecting that.

Happy Valentine's Day single people

*NOT A PITY-SEEKING POST*

So I got stood up for my date, and I hobbled around campus for 3 hours looking for cats, took some model photos for a nice lady, made a new friend, hugged a cat, and ordered some dinner. 

No hard feelings. Hey, I haven't cried yet from the fall, I won't cry because of a boy. 

Remember though, do not settle. Keep going until you find someone great. The way I see it, just one step closer to finding someone fantastic. 

I should re-name my blog because it's now 99% rant

I don’t even like crab cakes.

But I do like going to restaurants and meeting new people and having new experiences. That’s one of my favorite things. I love being able to say, I did something out of my comfort zone. And most of the time I find something new to appreciate and enjoy. Which is something I think helps me grow as a person.

More than anything, I loved playing with Ms. Jessica’s daughter, Maggie. I’m not one for “adult” socialization. Adults are much more suborn than children about things that matter. I know; I’m stubborn. But kids, they have such a different understanding than we do of the world. I’ve become cynical and rough and prickly about the world and to new people. But kids, they can meet anyone without hesitation. They feel so deeply and honestly, and let it show.

My mom told me one of the first times that I had to get blood drawn, that I can’t let the nurses see my pain or how afraid I was. But why not? “Not to give them the satisfaction.” But feeling is one of the most human qualities, and it means we are alive. Sometimes, I don’t believe I’m truly living because I feel absolutely nothing. 

Is it better to become an adult, fighting to feel anything, or is it better to give a nurse who you’ll probably never see again a bit of satisfaction because needles scare you and make you cry?

I don’t know. And I don’t think I ever will.

So I went with my roommate to a club, to people watch and keep an eye on him. There was so much alcohol. There were so many cigarettes. Everyone looked the same. 

I leaned on some sort of ledge and watched most of the time.

I remembered those times in middle and high school, where we would go all sit in the auditorium and someone would come tell us, "beer tastes bad, people drink to have confidence," and it's true. I didn't drink, so hanging out in a bar for me meant I could watch people be ridiculous and no one would notice me. After 10 minutes there I got out my headphones and blasted some music I much preferred. 

I'm not one to go out.

I looked at what people were wearing. Now, as a feminist, girls can wear whatever they wanted, but, I believe that clothes should not be worn to impress anyone. And dancing is fine, but do it for fun, don't do it to impress some guy. But hey, what do I know, I went home alone.

My drunk roommate also beat me awfully at darts, which I was not very happy about. We explored the club, I watched him and a lot of other people try to dance, alcohol in hand. 

Someone actually came up to me, his name was Max. He talked to me a bit, he didn't go to FSU but he was in the military stationed not too far from here. We watched his friend try to pick up a girl, and talked about skateboarding along with his ex who was from FSU who trampled on his heart. He also introduced me to his third friend. They both said I was *explicit* cool. The third friend said he knew I was too cool when he walked in and I had my headphones in.

Don't worry, I didn't get Max's number. (Kinda wish I did, he seemed really really sweet and was very handsome.) 

I didn't go home with anyone, no worries. And I even think I would enjoy going back, because for some reason the people "brave" enough to talk to me are actually cool people, unlike me who's more of a hypocrite. 

It was an interesting experience, and I'm glad I had it.