Happy new year?

Thoughts from the doctor

I'm trying so hard to come from a place of love, but it's hard when my mom keeps telling me "from a scientific standpoint" about amputations and me potentially going blind. 

I'm trying to ride the wave of feelings and let it come and go, so I can be ok. But it's tough for me to do with someone else in the room. 

Focus on breathing

My head hurts, I feel a bit nauseous, and I didn't get enough sleep. I'm probably dehydrated too. 

I really dislike these doctors visits. I've done a few now, and they're awful.

-- 

So the doctor came in and my mom did most of the talking while I tried not to cry. And they agreed, I need to see a psychiatrist and also lower my dosage of Zoloft. My depression is so severe that it's affecting everything else in my life. 

It's all in my head. And if I'm going to change it's going to have to come from me. It's also going to take a lot of work and a lot of doctors to feel better. Apparently I'm like a soda bottle all shaken up that could explode at any moment once I start lowering down the Zoloft. I don't want to be in contact with my mom at college, it's a lot of work. 

What side is talking? Depression or anxiety? Or just me? What am I anymore? 

When I get annoyed about my mom talking about my diseases and me not wanting to be in the room when she talks to the doctor is that depression or just learned sadness?

Am I pushing people away because of depression or because I don't want to talk about my feelings right now?

And why do I feel so smug about the doctor saying the main problem isn't the pcos it's my depression? That it's funny how my mom wanted to take care of my body and physical form so I don't get my toes cut off, but she didn't notice my mental state flying out the window again. Like, me sleeping all the time wasn't because of not having energy because I'm overweight, but it's because I'm severely depressed. And it's something I had tried to say, probably poorly on my account, that my head isn't in it, so it's not going to work until I'm motivated. But she scheduled this visit without telling me to get medicine for my binge eating, and I begrudgingly went along. Even though she said, "you don't have to go if you don't want to," and, "you have to be willing to do this," even though I was just doing it to make her get off my back about it. I got angry when she brought it up last night and just wanted to be left alone. I'm in a mood where I don't want to talk to her because it's usually about this type of thing.

Maybe now she'll understand my mindset is wrong to try and diet and change my entire life because my head isn't in it. And my body isn't in it. None of me has drive to do anything, and I'm sure that's depression. But I just resist more when she tries to change me and have me go to doctors. I know she cares, but if I change I want to do it on my own. And maybe visiting a psychiatrist will help. 

In the end, I'm still glad I went because it confirmed that I really really need mental help. It's not all about my physical body, it's about my brain. And I want to love my brain and myself.

Happy birthday to meeee

Hi!

Please don't post birthday related things on my wall.

It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, I just have never really been a fan of the social media impersonality of the whole thing. I don't do it for other people's birthdays, and it's not necessary for them to do it for mine. 

Thank you!

If you want, you can read something I wrote, strike up a conversation that I won't respond to until 3 AM that probably won't last more than 3 sentences back and forth, eat some mangos, make spaghetti, doodle, look through all of my recent irrelevant posts, take a nap, play some music, I don't know. 

I'm going to nap for a bit though.

4/30/2014 3:39 AM 

Yet hour after hour ticked by, faster than I could ever imagine, breaking to unrepairable pieces beneath me. I couldn't hold them, I was only permitted to stare and regret I had not made them stronger. Seconds blew away into the wind, and I could not breathe them into my lungs so as to keep some form of reminder; I was powerless. The world laughing as it stole precious moments that I was too foolish to see until they were slipping far from my vision. Each of my fingers grasping for the memories already lost. 

---from Facebook---

Things I have done...

1. Graduated high school

2. Got into college

3. Worked a few jobs

4. Tried to be financially responsible

5. I didn't become a pregnant teen.

6. I didn't get into a car accident ever. (the slight tap from the safelite autoglass person from behind didn't count because there was no scratch and it was all fine and we didn't even exchange numbers)

7. I got 1 speeding ticket. 

8. I've paid for my car insurance since I was 16. Minus the one payment because I didn't have a job at the time. Or a car. I still don't have a car but I still pay... because... I have a job again.

9. I did some really really stupid things. But of course none of them were "normal teen mistakes." But I learned. Don't touch wildlife. Don't drop cellphones in the bay multiple times. Don't forget a pillow when moving to college. Probably bring a light blanket in the car next time and sit on the side away from the sunshine so you don't toast.

10. Bought myself things. (Ipad, Ipod, food, clothing, computer, music, you know the necessary things.)

11. Learned how to ride a skateboard. Tiny board to be exact.

12. Written a lot of college papers.

13. Written a lot of emails.

14. Helped a club.

15. I've been featured a lot in the school newspaper. (nerd)

16. I went to some amazing concerts.

17. I took some awesome photos, which I probably haven't shared.

18. I've played in a marching band at the Jaguars Stadium.

19. I made it through middle school. 

20. I've been out of the country for school.

21. I went to NYC, DC, New Orleans, all over California, and have driven through a lot of southern states.

22. I did a ton of creative things. And after two years I still haven't posted my senior year 3D portfolio. 

23. I changed in my "style" from middle school to now, like most people. I still look the same though.

24. I grew... maybe 3 inches... probably less.

25. I changed what I wanted to be when I grew up a thousand times.

RANT

Time to rant. 

OK. So I just talked to my dad. And he's in Costa Rica. Now, this wouldn't be an issue, if recently he wasn't in nyc seeing a jazz band. 

Now, I'll admit, I'm jealous. But that's ok. 

I also can guess who he's with. Which I don't really want to discuss. Just one week until therapy; I'm holding out. 

I think my issue is more that, I could have some of that money, for me, to live. I guess it's different when you don't have kids to spend money on. But, whatever. 

I could ask my dad for money, I'm thinking about asking for help getting a car. But I don't really like asking for things. Not that there's really any other way of going about it especially with my dad, but I have this urge to not want to do that. I know he has money, and I feel like I'm entitled to some of it because I'm still his kid and struggling. My dad and mom pay the same amount to my college fund. But he makes 3 times more. In a perfect world, or even an altruistic one, my dad would give money to me to live. Which occasionally he does, but I have to nudge for it.

I never wanted to become like that "zits" comic strip where Jeremy always asks his parents for money and that's it. And I have anxiety trying to ask for help. But what else can I do?

The level of "so unfair" is high. And I'm feeling it. I'm going to take a nap now.

FINALS WEEK.

I haven't been posting because of finals. I've been thinking a lot, but not posting.

Most of the things are social justice related. And stress related. I have to get ready to go next week! I think I'll be away for 10 months or something from my friends. It's crazy for me to think about. And of course I'm nervous about going to a new school. Sigh. Especially one that is "dangerous." In my head I've been brushing up on my martial arts skills. XD 

So, short update, I'm still alive. Sort of.