Homesick and FSU

FSU bound

It's scary to imagine that I won't be at Ncf next semester. Only 1 away from this place, but it's incredible knowing it's almost gone already. I can't handle thinking about it. Time is moving so fast.

I made the decision to participate in the program to get a new experience and to have a change. I'm going to miss so much here, but something is calling me away. I'm nervous about the suits and formal wear, and the world outside of new college. I remember how judgmental it is. I'm scared. I don't want to do badly at whatever internship I get. Im leaving my friends and family. I'm leaving barefoot days and fishing and sunsets. I'm leaving my professors who I love. I'm going to a new world. And then I'm coming back to do more schoolwork. Is this what I really want?

I'm going to question my decision until the end. I want this to work. I want to do well. I'm scared. I'll miss the people here. I'll miss my friends. I have so many memories tied here. Even though it's just one semester, it's so much time. Though it will go by quickly, I don't want to lose it all. I haven't told many people yet until I get the official "you are going and have a place and have registered for classes." I'm scared to look fancy and professional. I'm scared of being restricted. I'm scared of the 9 to 5. I might love it too. I just know I'm going to learn so much. And I want to have this experience. I want to meet new people. I want to see this area of the world. I'm sure I'll be lonely, but... I'm going to try my best to meet new people. I'm scared to see old friends from high school. Not that I've changed that much, but I've been working with people who are open minded for so long that it's hard to remember what it's like to be with the rest of the world. Like going back to high school where no one really listened and everyone had strong opinions and hated people who didn't agree. Those people I'm scared of. The mean girls and guys. Thankfully living off campus will give me a break from that. And living with another NCF person will allow me to vent with someone who understands. 

It's coming so fast and I haven't even gotten halfway through the semester yet.

I sense the level of anxiety building.

I think I need to talk to someone, because my worries and words have been coming out sometimes without any real way to stop them. This is what I get for not going to therapy. 

I'm going home in about 2 weeks, and I'm so happy. I've never been homesick as much as I have this year. Mainly for band and animals and other people. I think living alone is making me lonely, too. I miss real human talks, and hugs. Being around someone is vastly different than being alone or on the phone with someone. (Who I also think is slowly fading. We'll see.)

There is a presence missing in my life that I can't explain. Maybe more vitamin D and ginkgo. 

I also spent a lot of money recently. We'll see how that one goes. Crossing my fingers I don't get killed for it.

I just want cuddles and for someone to listen to me and understand. It's so hard to find.